Fifty Shades of Grey, Inner Goddess: A Journal - E.L. James

Here are a few rules for anyone who wants to follow in James' wonderfully deviant footsteps.:

 

1. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Your readers are dumb and won't understand you the first time. So throw out the Thesaurus and just go with the same words/phrases/scenarios again and again. The public will love you for it.

 

2. Make your characters as 1-dimensional as possible. All women are either skanks, stupid or crazy bitches. All men are obsessive, abusive stalking rapists. Anything else is unbelievable. Smart women don't exist, and decent men are always gay.

 

3. Editors are for pussies. Who needs an editor? Not YOU if you're really an author. You wrote a book! That alone means you're badass enough to not need an editor. Use your significant other, who hasn't ever read a book in his/her life. It works every time.

 

4. Build a rabid fanbase of psycho housewives. They can be your army of trolls to denounce any and all bad reviews. They will make sure to shield you and possible readers from anything negative, so that everything about your book is glowing. Negative reviews are always written by losers who don't understand true art, so running them off is what's best. Leaves more room for REAL readers.

 

5. Just make up geography however you want. Never check a map. Just go with whatever fits your story best. Who cares if your map of the U.S. ends up looking like the crayon drawing of a seizing monkey. It's art, and any nay-sayer just doesn't understand you.

 

6. Forget regional dialect. Sound as pretentious and foreign to the area you're writing about as possible. Use terms never spoken in that country/state/region because that makes you "worldly". Everyone loves a worldly, pretentious author who has never lived in, nor visited, the place they write about.

 

7. Repeat, repeat, repeat. Your readers are dumb and won't understand you the first time. So throw out the Thesaurus and just go with the same words/phrases/scenarios again and again. The public will love you for it.

 

You're welcome. Pay me millions and make me a Messiah.