Okay, I don't usually write out my thoughts on movies. I just rant to anyone that listens. But omg, here we go. 


I loved the first Bay-formers because it held so much nostalgia and classic Transformers for me. The second was actually pretty good. The third, they killed Ironhide, my fav. And so the franchise could kiss my ass. It really went out the window when they brought in Wahlberg and had Prime riding Grimlock. Like, Bay just threw out all canon stories and gave us fans the finger.


Now, movie 5, which I watched last night:


1. Always having a rotating cast of characters. Stop it. At least we kept Drift and Crosshairs, but every movie seems to bring in new side characters and drop old ones without explanation. 


2. Why is Josh Duhamel such a dick? He was their friend!


3. Can somebody explain to me why we have gone the way of Merlin and Arthur in a robot opera? It seems a fucking stretch, even for a science fiction action movie. Also... Merlin was Stanley Gucci, who was also in Age of Extinction. C'mon. Like we wouldn't notice.


4. Random Transformers just being made up. There are dozens of good ones left to use. Why you gotta just make up shitty nothing characters? We still haven't ever seen Ultra Magnus. No, we get Mohawk and Nitro Zues. 


5. Where did Bumblebee get Sentinel Prime's hammer? Am I the only one that questioned the random hammer weapon he was waving at one point for no reason? And then it just disappeared after that one scene?


6. Wtf happened to Grimlock? He just sort of disappears about halfway thru the movie. Or did I blink and miss his death. Not even my husband saw him die. So either it was a piss poor death scene or Bay literally forgot a character.


7. The baby dinobots. They were adorable. But they were ABANDONED. Nobody thought to take them along on the escape? No? Oh well. Sorry, Terry and little Grim and Snarl. You're screwed.


8. Bumblebee voice ex machina. He can just speak whenever the times get tough enough, huh? I see. And it's powerful enough to bring Prime back from the brink. Dude. Bad writing.


9. Nemesis Prime. I haven't read the graphic novels yet, although I own them. But as far as I have ever understood, Optimus Prime is the epitome of good. Not always likable but good. What they did to him here was a fucking treasonous mess. Not to mention the name. Yuck. Could you be anymore cliche? And the bad thing lasted all of a blink. Thanks to Bumblebee voice ex machina. 


10. CB-7? Okay, if you read the prequel book to the original movie there just doesn't seem any way for Bumblebee to have done that? Or am I totally off? Even my husband agrees. Major plot hole. Bay gives us the finger again. B has a twin. They could have easily just used Cliffjumper, because, again, there's a character we could use. But no... 


11. Final battle graphics.  Yuck. Some of the cybertron falling out of the sky stuff looked like grade school early 2000s CGI. You're better than this, Paramount.


12. Let's just not acknowledge the millions of deaths that occured. Because the moon being destroyed and Cybertron crashing partially into Earth is going to kill people, even if you stop the worst of the destruction. But, hey, Optimus Prime is back! Yay!


13. Can we NOT make people that believe in science look like idiots? We already have an administration that doesn't believe in science. Can we NOT make the final battle revolve around a scientist being proven WRONG when what he said seemed totally logical and REASONABLE? 


I'm sure there's more. Little things. Like why all the sudden Wahlberg and Duhamel teamed up when they had been bitter enemies up until seconds before, or how nobody ever seems to break bones. Or that amulet thing just showing up from space without explanation. Nothing about this plot made sense. The staff controlled the dragon but the dragon did whatever it wanted. So it was pointless. And the little girl was just an obnoxious burden. God, Bay, you are murdering my childhood just like you did Ironhide.


PS 14. Hot Rod's French accent. Late edit: just remembered this terrible detail. Why?! Why give him a French accent!!!